A year ago today I
stood on the Whitehouse lawn in Washington D.C., surrounded by pink hats and
the hundreds of thousands of women there to take a political stand. Out of
everything in our 4 day school-sponsored trip to D.C., that moment was the
pinnacle for me. A government teacher surrounded by true democracy. Not the
textbook version: the buildings, the transfer of power, the ceremony, etc.
This was real democracy. A nation not afraid to let our voices be heard. The
rallying cry 'This is what Democracy looks
like' had never been more true. As I stood on the lawn between the seat
of power for our nation and the Washington monument I couldn't help but feel
something that I hadn't felt throughout much of 2016… Hope.
Even
amidst the political climate, 2017 was quite possibly the single most
empowering year for women in world history. This has been so exciting for me to
watch - to imagine a world where a future daughter can live equally to any man,
a world where my wife is rightfully assumed to be a doctor for once when people
see her in scrubs, a world where women don’t have to disproportionately live in
fear of violence. But outside of my 2-3 hours spent at the March last year,
I've often struggled with what my role is in this, or even if I should have a
role. It makes sense to me that what might be best would be for me to step back
and allow women to have this moment, that creating space for others might be my
best move. But I can't help but think that men have a critical role to play in
this movement as well.
In reflecting on
this over the past year, I argue that we as men do have a role to play, and it's a lot simpler than you might think.
My role as a man -
our role as men - is about redefining what we've been told that it is to be a man. For too long we've defined
masculinity in terms of power. But in
reality masculinity has nothing to do with power. True masculinity is about empowerment.
Instead of defining our success as a man by our own victories - by power, strength, and respect - let's look at the strongest man as he who creates space for others to thrive. A man who adds value to others - who empowers others, rather than taking power himself.
Instead of defining our success as a man by our own victories - by power, strength, and respect - let's look at the strongest man as he who creates space for others to thrive. A man who adds value to others - who empowers others, rather than taking power himself.
It is undoubtable that some will argue that
asking men to go against their nature is destructive to himself and others. But
I'm not arguing to remove what have historically been male societal functions.
I'd even say that we can redefine manhood within the historical constructs of manliness. I'm simply suggesting that we challenge what true meaning of the two historic components
of manhood: 1.) to protect and 2.) to provide.
To Protect
If we are meant to
protect those we love - the women, children, and even other men in our lives,
then let's really take a deep dive into how we can do that. Physically
protecting those around us is one thing.
Valuing the ability to physically protect those you love is not to be
looked down upon. But it's shortsighted. It's placing a band-aid on a cracking
dam, treating the symptoms instead of the disease. The largest impact we can
make as men is working to create a culture that is safer for all people. That
starts with how we teach our young men to view strength.
Strength is a core
component of masculinity - Physical strength, Emotional strength. The ability
to weather physical or emotional blows without showing signs of weakness.
Rigidity is the gold standard for men. We're inundated by it every day - by the
advertising industry, by our peers, by older generations. And this isn't just
misleading… it's emotionally harmful. This becomes abundantly clear in one
statistic: 90% of homicides are committed by males… I'll say that again - 90% of all homicides in America are committed by men…
In America's gun culture women have just as much access to fire arms and
weaponry as we do. So why do they resort so rarely to violence?... Because
that's not the cultural norm…
Fathers and Mothers
don't teach their little girls that it's not ok to cry, that they have to stand
up for themselves, that they have to fight back. They teach them to talk to
someone, a teacher, or an adult, and in times of conflict girls are met with a
soothing touch and comfort. On the flipside, Boys are taught to emotionally
harden, to handle the issue ourselves, typically by standing up for ourselves and fighting back if necessary.
By associating an
emotional void with masculinity while dissociating feeling, we've created an
entire culture of men terrified to turn to others when they hurt, men and
boys who simply don’t know how to properly handle conflict and trauma without
resorting to frustration, anger, and often violence - men who think only
physically and never emotionally. This isn't biology - it's society.
This lifelong
practice of physical expression but never emotional expression is at the very
core of our current rape culture. Men don’t understand consent and sexual
harassment because from age 4 the only way to express their desires is
physically. If we want to be an ally in the #metoo movement, we'll do a lot
more long term good by raising sons who can express themselves emotionally than
we will by telling daughters not to walk home alone.
My task in the
classroom over the last year has been to be a model of this for my young men.
When something makes me emotional - I lean into it. I talk about it. I allow
myself to cry in front of my classes, I ask hard questions about the role of
human emotion in history. We spend more time trying to understand perspective
than we do events. It's a small thing, but I'm doing what I can to be a part of
a better tomorrow.
So yes. We are men.
We are still protectors. But we do not have to be steel to protect those we
love. Water, in all of its fluidity and adaptability, has throughout most of
human history made for the strongest defense. We as men do more for those we
love by modeling emotional vulnerability than we can possibly do by making
ourselves emotionally rigid.
To Provide:
If protection of the
ones we love has historically been our primary purpose as men, then a small step
below that exists the need to provide. To create a life of joy and ease for those
that we love. But to provide is a wide
and malleable concept that we've misguidedly pigeonholed into one meaning: financial support.
Each year while
teaching I try to spend at least one week talking about long term goals,
life-skills, and leadership development. In goal setting there was a line I
heard more often than I would've liked to from young men: I want to work hard enough that the rest of my family
won't have to.
I couldn't help but
internally cringe every time I heard that line for two reasons. Because that
narrow definition of being a provider is 1.) the root of so much of my own
cognitive dissonance, and 2.) in my opinion the root of our current pay
imbalance in the workplace.
I am a male high
school teacher who does not coach. I spend my life constantly fighting the
internal fears that other men will look down on that. My wife is a medical
doctor, currently a resident, who will one day be our family's key financial provider. I've never been able to
really shake the feeling that in some way this makes me less of a man. But in
truth, what do our loved ones and family really want us to provide?
My own father was,
yes, the primary financial provider for the family, but I don’t think back on
my childhood with grateful memories for the house we lived in or the Christmas
presents we received, or even the private schools we were sent to. I look back
and am truly most appreciative for the time he
provided our family, and the space he gave each of us to find ourselves. It was
coaching my youth baseball teams, yet telling me it's O.K. to quit if it was
something that was causing me so much frustration. It was the example Dad provided in
coming home from work and cooking for us multiple days of the week. It was the weeknights he spent with
my sister and me while my mom took graduate-level classes. Those are the
greatest things he really provided for
us.
As men, we get so
caught up in providing for the financial needs of our families, we miss out on
the chances to provide something far greater - permission and acceptance. My
role as provider for my wife has, in a small way, meant finances over the past
few years. But more importantly it's meant radical permission. I provided Annie my blessing to aggressively
pursue her career, even if that means moving 10 hours from home. I provide Annie support when she comes home from
a 28 hour shift and just wants to eat and go to bed. And I provide the freedom to have children at our
own pace with the knowledge that I will be doing my fair and equal part in the
process.
The gender wage gap
can be re-defined, misconstrued, and interpreted in umpteen different ways. But
the way I see it is simple. If we as men want to be allies in this shift it doesn't
start by holding signs or even taking cuts in our own salaries. It starts with providing an equal share of the work in
raising children. Providing the
permission to other men to take as much time as they need in raising their
child instead of shaming them for taking paternity leave. Doing so ultimately provides women the freedom to, if they choose,
take less time off from work, doing away with what I'd argue is the single
largest driver of the wage gap.
So yes, we are men.
We are providers. But are we really providing what those we care about truly
need? Provide by being an ally. Empower the women in your life by providing the
necessary assistance in their journey to success and fulfillment.
So let's start this
conversation - let's be allies in this movement by focusing inward. Let's
change the narrative around what it means to be a man - to protect and provide.
By talking about emotional and physical masculinity with boys and young men we
can create a healthier world for men and combat the roots of rape culture. By
changing how we look at providing, we make space for the women in our lives to
succeed, we enrich our relationships, and provide for the true needs of our loved ones.
So here's to getting
out there and doing our part. So that years from now the Women's March won't be
necessary as a protest, but will exist only as a celebration of equality.
Links to further reading/viewing on this topic:
Links to further reading/viewing on this topic:
- wearemanenough.com
- Justin Baldoni - Why I'm done Trying to be Man Enough
- Tony Porter - A Call to Men
- Dr. Michael Kimmel - Guyland
- NYT - Teaching Men to be Emotionally Honest
- NYT - The Fear of Having a Son
disclaimer: all photos taken by me, if for any reason individuals would like their photo taken down, please contact me and I will gladly do so.
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