Update on my life.

Hey, all.

It's been a very long time since I've posted. The realness of residency finally hit, and it hit me pretty hard. Here are some updates on my life:

1. If you've followed my posts on Instagram, you're likely updated on Padfoot's life. We recently had a small mass growing out of his gums on his upper jaw biopsied. The histopathology report stated that it is most likely a benign mass, but it also had possibilities of being an aggressive mouth tumor than can be locally invasive. We were referred to a veterinary oncologist who recommended a very expensive and painful surgery involving possible removal of part of his jaw. This is something that really pushed me over the edge, but we've been dealing with it. So far, we've elected not to do the surgery and to see where things go. 
2. I've been working a lot. I know, I know, everyone works a lot. I'm fine with that. It's still worth noting. I try to remind myself every day that busy-ness is relative, and everyone is handed exactly as much work as they can possibly handle. Nonetheless - I'm tired.
3. I pronounced a patient deceased for the first time. This is something I will need to revisit because I can't quite seem to articulate the feeling just yet. As the nighttime covering resident, I barely had the service of even knowing this patient's family. Yet, I was the one who was around and responsible for this daunting task. I know there's more to come in my lifelong career, but the first time always hurts the most.
4. No surprise: people meant what they said when they said residency is a whirlwind of constantly not knowing what you're doing. The minute you feel like you know something, someone is always there to remind you that you are inexperienced, uneducated, and incorrect. It's defeating, but I am reminding myself that these are all "great learning points".
5. One of the most alarming feelings I've had in the past few weeks is the doubt that I'm even doing the right thing with my life. Why didn't I like something that was only a daytime/weekday job? If this was what I'm supposed to do, why does it feel like I suck at my job constantly? These are the roots from which burnout comes. It's scary. No one wants to ever feel like something in which they've invested so much time and money was all for nothing. It's even harder when it feels like you're the only one who is feeling this way.
6. At the end of the day, though, no matter how hard this rotation has been for me, I am lucky to have the most supportive friends and family (and program faculty as well). Surprise night-shift birthday cakes and friendly faces have pulled me through. Talking with my co-interns and making sure to try to have a life despite getting a little less sleep is what I do to try to keep myself above water. I've been reminded that everyone struggles with the steep learning curve of residency, and I am not alone.

T-minus 1 week and 1 call shift left. Let's do this.